Happy Birthday to the Best Wife and Mommy Ever

The Best Wife and Mommy Ever

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Of 350 million facebook users, I have just 11 fans
But to gain a couple more i’ve got a lot of plans
Maybe I should write more to gain a bunch of hits
But that won’t work really well since my poems are the pits
Maybe I should trick people with some deceiving ad
But the little guy on my shoulder says that idea’s pretty bad
Maybe I should threaten some people to sign on
Or pull one of them famous internet marketing cons
I could gain thousands of followers in just a few days
I’ll be on top of the world with that little craze
Or is that just on twitter that the follower scam works
I hear it’s just a bunch of bots and they are worthless perks
So now I’m back at square one just wondering what to do.
If you have any ideas, send them and i’ll give the credit to you!

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This poems is dedicated to Jessica @unabarber for suggesting a poem about iPhones.

I want to begin by saying i’m a big fan

of Apple because making great products they can

but I have a theory which ticks me off to no end

they keep discovering new technology they pretend

I dont believe it well, not completely

They created a bunch of advances and hid it discreetly

do you think they just happen to find a way

to double the memory on their products every other day?

they release their advances over time

to force their fans to spend their every last dime.

once you buy an iphone, it becomes obsolete

but the newer version will make your life complete

it’s faster and smarter and has more room for apps

and once it comes out, your current phone isn’t worth scraps

most companies work on technology and then work to improve

but if your look at apple, they’ve got too much of a groove

every 6 months with a major upgrade

blowing away investors forcasts, their not afraid

i think Apple creates their technology years in advance

and then works backwards to dumb it down at every chance

if that’s true, the iphone could be a decade or two old

it might have been in Job’s back pocket in 1984 as the Macintosh he did unfold.

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This poem is dedicated to Tim Ferriss (@tferriss) for his inspiration.

Until last night I could just day dream about
getting one of the women on my list whom I can sleep without
causing problems with my girlfriend for messing around
but the list is of celebs that can never be found
until last night when I learned a trick
Tim Ferriss’s blog mentioned lucid dreams which are sick
you can be sort of conscious while asleep
and sleep around as much as you want without making a peep
what happens in your dreams stays in your dreams
and getting a celeb over there is easier than it seems
Last night I enjoyed company with Blake
Getting her in bed was a piece of cake
Some people would suggest going after an ex
but i prefer celebs and Jessica Biel you’re next

Tim Ferris is the Author of the Four Hour Work Week which I suggest that everybody read.

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This song has been on my mind since the first time I heard it on the radio.  Not sure why it took so long to get it up here.  Enjoy!

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours ago

I was constipated

Nothing to do, nowhere to go

I was constipated

Just get me to the bathroom and put me on the throne

Hurry hurry hurry before I let it go

I can’t control my bowels I can’t control my flow

Oh no oh ho

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours ago

I was constipated

Nothing to do, nowhere to go

I was constipated

Just put me in a wheelchair

And get me to the throne

Hurry hurry hurry before I go loco

I can’t control my bowels

I can’t control my flow

Oh no oh ho

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This Sucky Poem is dedicated to Jessica @unabarber for suggesting a sucky poem about nipple slips.

some top celebrity acrtress poses for pictures down the walk

and every reporter watching wants to have her for a talk

sometimes she acts politely and tells them all the news

and sometimes even unwillingly, she exposes one of her boobs

she promises it was unintentional and didn’t mean for it to happen

then why aren’t you covering up, you have a shirt to wrap in.

it’s never happened before, i usually use a clip

but nobody ever forgets the common nipple slip.

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This Sucky Poem is dedicated to Kevin Muldoon @caoimghgin from New Haven for suggesting a sucky poem about dinosaurs in birthday hats.  Not sure where he came up with that one but I don’t ask these questions.

We all know many dinosaurs from Barney and Denver to Dino

Palaeontologists even found the Futalognkosaurus Dukei which is thought to be Latino

Some dinosaurs sing, some dinosaurs dance and some compete with the prehistoric cat (Flinstones)

but what we want to see is a dinosaur in a birthday hat.

I can just imagine in prehistoric times

all the dinosaurs celebrating birthdays with ice cream and pies

the carnivorous ones would still each each other

and the herbivores would just cuddle up with their brother

I got the picture in my head, it’s as clear as that

But I just can’t get the image out of my head of a dinosaur in a birthday hat

We don’t have to worry about that stuff or the missing link

Those guys are goners, they’re all bloody extinct.

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*This poem is dedicated to Mick Campbell from Middlesbrough @MickDude for suggesting the topic of “how to fix a computer”.  You too can have a poem dedicated to you if you send @suckypoems a suggestion for a sucky poem on twitter.

Fixing a PC computer is actually quite complex

you have to do about a 101 different checks

it starts with checking tasks and seeing what’s running

and see what process your computer is shunning

then ending the process and see if it works

and then move on to find the other quirks

check your system and your firewall

then start a scan to send out a call

scan for viruses and spyware too

delete all of your downloads from the queue

uninstall programs that don’t seem to run

after all that you would think that you’d be done

repeat the processes above and see if it changes

click on the process column before it rearranges

if all else fails, here’s what to do

shut down the computer and start the session anew

that should work but if not

call tech support for help and then wait a lot

until some one picks up and tells you to do everything you already tried

when they finally tell you, your computer has died

but they have a special on computers this week

and you can own a new piece of junk courtesy of the squad of geeks

then you can buy a warranty that will cover any issue

but their warranty is what i use for bathroom tissue

with the warranty, they take your computer for several weeks

then give it back and tell you they completed some tweaks

but you notice that nothing has changed and it still has the trouble

now you’re left without a computer and your ticked off double

My suggestion to you is to take your computer back

then splurge a little and buy yourself a Mac

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I remember my prom like it happened today

i went in style, i wouldn’t have it any other way

i got a stretched limo and a corsage for the girl

before going in, we took the limo for a whirl

I dressed in the fanciest Tux

It only cost me a couple hundred bucks

we danced, talked, laughed and spiked the punch

I had all my friends there and liked it a bunch

I was elected as king of the dance

it might have been because I looked so good in my flashy pants

oh wait, that wasn’t me

that was every prom movie i ever did see

I didn’t go to a prom and didn’t have that fun

but prom isn’t even that good anyway, right everyone?

Your limo is late and not as fancy as the ad

your corsage is half dead but that’s not even what’s so bad

you don’t have a date and you’re glued to the wall

when you finally get a dance, you happen to fall

the punch is really spike but you didn’t know

you get tipsy and let your ugly side show

You don’t win for king of the dance,

you want to be happy but just can’t

you rented a hotel room just in case

but at the end of the night, you don’t want to show your face

Just be happy prom is a one time thing

and you don’t have to deal with all this again until you pop the ring

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