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Of 350 million facebook users, I have just 11 fans
But to gain a couple more i’ve got a lot of plans
Maybe I should write more to gain a bunch of hits
But that won’t work really well since my poems are the pits
Maybe I should trick people with some deceiving ad
But the little guy on my shoulder says that idea’s pretty bad
Maybe I should threaten some people to sign on
Or pull one of them famous internet marketing cons
I could gain thousands of followers in just a few days
I’ll be on top of the world with that little craze
Or is that just on twitter that the follower scam works
I hear it’s just a bunch of bots and they are worthless perks
So now I’m back at square one just wondering what to do.
If you have any ideas, send them and i’ll give the credit to you!
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This poems is dedicated to Jessica @unabarber for suggesting a poem about iPhones.
I want to begin by saying i’m a big fan
of Apple because making great products they can
but I have a theory which ticks me off to no end
they keep discovering new technology they pretend
I dont believe it well, not completely
They created a bunch of advances and hid it discreetly
do you think they just happen to find a way
to double the memory on their products every other day?
they release their advances over time
to force their fans to spend their every last dime.
once you buy an iphone, it becomes obsolete
but the newer version will make your life complete
it’s faster and smarter and has more room for apps
and once it comes out, your current phone isn’t worth scraps
most companies work on technology and then work to improve
but if your look at apple, they’ve got too much of a groove
every 6 months with a major upgrade
blowing away investors forcasts, their not afraid
i think Apple creates their technology years in advance
and then works backwards to dumb it down at every chance
if that’s true, the iphone could be a decade or two old
it might have been in Job’s back pocket in 1984 as the Macintosh he did unfold.
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This poem is dedicated to Tim Ferriss (@tferriss) for his inspiration.
Until last night I could just day dream about
getting one of the women on my list whom I can sleep without
causing problems with my girlfriend for messing around
but the list is of celebs that can never be found
until last night when I learned a trick
Tim Ferriss’s blog mentioned lucid dreams which are sick
you can be sort of conscious while asleep
and sleep around as much as you want without making a peep
what happens in your dreams stays in your dreams
and getting a celeb over there is easier than it seems
Last night I enjoyed company with Blake
Getting her in bed was a piece of cake
Some people would suggest going after an ex
but i prefer celebs and Jessica Biel you’re next
Tim Ferris is the Author of the Four Hour Work Week which I suggest that everybody read.
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This song has been on my mind since the first time I heard it on the radio. Not sure why it took so long to get it up here. Enjoy!
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours ago
I was constipated
Nothing to do, nowhere to go
I was constipated
Just get me to the bathroom and put me on the throne
Hurry hurry hurry before I let it go
I can’t control my bowels I can’t control my flow
Oh no oh ho
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours ago
I was constipated
Nothing to do, nowhere to go
I was constipated
Just put me in a wheelchair
And get me to the throne
Hurry hurry hurry before I go loco
I can’t control my bowels
I can’t control my flow
Oh no oh ho
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This Sucky Poem is dedicated to Jessica @unabarber for suggesting a sucky poem about nipple slips.
some top celebrity acrtress poses for pictures down the walk
and every reporter watching wants to have her for a talk
sometimes she acts politely and tells them all the news
and sometimes even unwillingly, she exposes one of her boobs
she promises it was unintentional and didn’t mean for it to happen
then why aren’t you covering up, you have a shirt to wrap in.
it’s never happened before, i usually use a clip
but nobody ever forgets the common nipple slip.
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This Sucky Poem is dedicated to Kevin Muldoon @caoimghgin from New Haven for suggesting a sucky poem about dinosaurs in birthday hats. Not sure where he came up with that one but I don’t ask these questions.
We all know many dinosaurs from Barney and Denver to Dino
Palaeontologists even found the Futalognkosaurus Dukei which is thought to be Latino
Some dinosaurs sing, some dinosaurs dance and some compete with the prehistoric cat (Flinstones)
but what we want to see is a dinosaur in a birthday hat.
I can just imagine in prehistoric times
all the dinosaurs celebrating birthdays with ice cream and pies
the carnivorous ones would still each each other
and the herbivores would just cuddle up with their brother
I got the picture in my head, it’s as clear as that
But I just can’t get the image out of my head of a dinosaur in a birthday hat
We don’t have to worry about that stuff or the missing link
Those guys are goners, they’re all bloody extinct.
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*This poem is dedicated to Mick Campbell from Middlesbrough @MickDude for suggesting the topic of “how to fix a computer”. You too can have a poem dedicated to you if you send @suckypoems a suggestion for a sucky poem on twitter.
Fixing a PC computer is actually quite complex
you have to do about a 101 different checks
it starts with checking tasks and seeing what’s running
and see what process your computer is shunning
then ending the process and see if it works
and then move on to find the other quirks
check your system and your firewall
then start a scan to send out a call
scan for viruses and spyware too
delete all of your downloads from the queue
uninstall programs that don’t seem to run
after all that you would think that you’d be done
repeat the processes above and see if it changes
click on the process column before it rearranges
if all else fails, here’s what to do
shut down the computer and start the session anew
that should work but if not
call tech support for help and then wait a lot
until some one picks up and tells you to do everything you already tried
when they finally tell you, your computer has died
but they have a special on computers this week
and you can own a new piece of junk courtesy of the squad of geeks
then you can buy a warranty that will cover any issue
but their warranty is what i use for bathroom tissue
with the warranty, they take your computer for several weeks
then give it back and tell you they completed some tweaks
but you notice that nothing has changed and it still has the trouble
now you’re left without a computer and your ticked off double
My suggestion to you is to take your computer back
then splurge a little and buy yourself a Mac
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I remember my prom like it happened today
i went in style, i wouldn’t have it any other way
i got a stretched limo and a corsage for the girl
before going in, we took the limo for a whirl
I dressed in the fanciest Tux
It only cost me a couple hundred bucks
we danced, talked, laughed and spiked the punch
I had all my friends there and liked it a bunch
I was elected as king of the dance
it might have been because I looked so good in my flashy pants
oh wait, that wasn’t me
that was every prom movie i ever did see
I didn’t go to a prom and didn’t have that fun
but prom isn’t even that good anyway, right everyone?
Your limo is late and not as fancy as the ad
your corsage is half dead but that’s not even what’s so bad
you don’t have a date and you’re glued to the wall
when you finally get a dance, you happen to fall
the punch is really spike but you didn’t know
you get tipsy and let your ugly side show
You don’t win for king of the dance,
you want to be happy but just can’t
you rented a hotel room just in case
but at the end of the night, you don’t want to show your face
Just be happy prom is a one time thing
and you don’t have to deal with all this again until you pop the ring
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If you’re looking to buy a nice tux,
then you are in luck
i just launched a shop
to buy a tux, its the top
you can get jackets, pants, shirts and a vest
but it’s the prices that you will like best.
This is just a cheesy ad for the new site
i’m hoping this poem will get me a few bites.
so if you need something nice to wear to your prom
save some effort and shop at www.tuxedocanada.com.
*note: to make up for this ad, i’ll try and post some sucky poems about prom.
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i’ve been thinking of some really sucky poems to post
but people wonder if they are inspired by my life the most
Then I have to think twice about writing tons of stuff
like mommy and daddy not loving me enough
or the years i spent locked in a cellar
and how about the beatings, they were really stellar
I’m not sure where to draw the line with drugs
and I don’t want to write too much about hugs
so really i’m left with almost nothing to write
and my grey area is really tight
I really post based on my inspiration
but not on my life, based on the rest of the nation
in the news, in what i read
in blogs, movies and tv
the love, the hate, the stuff in between
from the octogenarian and even the teens
so i’m deciding right now that anything goes
and now you can watch this blog and see how it grows.
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