Ludacris teamed up with Trojan Condoms to create a contest for people to submit their own rap about Trojan Magnum condoms.  Someone suggested that I enter the contest or at least write something.  I decided to write the rap below just for the fun of it.  It is not my style at all so I password protected the post.  Please leave comments and feel free to spread it around.

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This song has been on my mind since the first time I heard it on the radio.  Not sure why it took so long to get it up here.  Enjoy!

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours ago

I was constipated

Nothing to do, nowhere to go

I was constipated

Just get me to the bathroom and put me on the throne

Hurry hurry hurry before I let it go

I can’t control my bowels I can’t control my flow

Oh no oh ho

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours ago

I was constipated

Nothing to do, nowhere to go

I was constipated

Just put me in a wheelchair

And get me to the throne

Hurry hurry hurry before I go loco

I can’t control my bowels

I can’t control my flow

Oh no oh ho

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have a little shot,have another shot
have a little shot,have another shot
have a little shot,have another shot
have another shot

And then you throw up

throw up in the club, I just blew chuncks
people all stare at me
i took another sip, then i took a slip
cause the ground was covered like a sea

I drink too much, dont know when to stop
i’m always the center of attention
just drink my tears, drink away my fears
ya can’t go and blame me

cause if you like to drink, you better limit it
if you like to drink, you better limit it
dont want to swallow your drink and revisit it.
if you like to drink, you better limit it

oh, oh, oh

if you like to drink, you better limit it
if you like to drink, you better limit it
dont want to swallow your drink and revisit it.
if you like to drink, you better limit it

I got a beer in each fist, a shot to my lips
been drinking since a quarter to three
causing a fight, i see the light
i can care less what you think

I need no permission, did i mention
i’m always the center of attention
You can have a turn, and now you’re gonna learn
how it feels for the room to spin

cause if you like to drink, you better limit it
if you like to drink, you better limit it
dont want to swallow your drink and revisit it.
if you like to drink, you better limit it

oh, oh, oh

if you like to drink, you better limit it
if you like to drink, you better limit it
dont want to swallow your drink and revisit it.
if you like to drink, you better limit it

oh, oh, oh

don’t tease me with the bottle up high
i’m not that kind of guy
the beer is what i prefer, what i deserve

Here’s a drink that he makes for me which takes me
and delivers me from soberville to ecstasy and beyond
let me fall to the floor, the position i adore
if you join, I wont be alone
If we drop, we’ll be gone

have a little shot,have another shot
have a little shot,have another shot
have a little shot,have another shot
have another shot

And then you throw up, oh, oh, oh

if you like to drink, you better limit it
if you like to drink, you better limit it
dont want to swallow your drink and revisit it.
if you like to drink, you better limit it

oh, oh, oh

if you like to drink, you better limit it
if you like to drink, you better limit it
dont want to swallow your drink and revisit it.
if you like to drink, you better limit it

oh, oh, oh

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See the blog post on your site
See your tweet is quite all right
I wait for your value

Read your content and start to rate
Hope my comment is not too late
And I wait to give value

With your free value
I’ll give free value

you post each day three times or four
You give it all but I want more
And Im waiting for value

With your free value
I’ll give free value
I can’t wait
for your free value

And you give it all away
And you give it all away
And you give
And you give
And you give it all away

My hands are tired
My brain’s expanding, you’ve got me with
everything to win and
Nothing to lose

And you give it all away
And you give it all away
And you give
And you give
And you give it all away

With your free value
I’ll give free value
I can’t wait
for your free value

With your free value
I’ll give free value
I can’t wait
for your free value
for your free value

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Ugly, You are so ugly,
There is nobody,
As ugly as yoooouuu

 

You are so ugly, Miss. Ugly
There is nobody,
As ugly as yoooouuu
You are so ugly,

 

Yo this one here goes out to all my playas out there ya kno there’s this one ugly girl whose always been there like ya
Kno took all the bullshit then one day she cant take it no more and decides to stalk me

I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed that girl was by my side, coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was
Feelin, so I hadda take a little ride, back tracking ova these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make her go away, cuz
Ever since that girl found me, my whole left life came crashin

You are so ugly (so ugly),
Miss Ugly (miss. Ugly)
There is nobody (There’s nobody)
As ugly as you (as ugly as you) girl

You are so ugly (so ugly),
Miss Ugly (miss. Ugly)
There is nobody (There’s nobody)
As ugly as you (as ugly as you) girl

Cant believe that a girl like you can just walk right into my room, after all I put u thru u still stuck
Around and I cant hide, what really hurt me is you broke my lock, baby you were a stalker girl and you had no right, I
Really wanna make things right, and get you out of my life girl

You are so ugly (so ugly),
Miss Ugly (miss. Ugly)
There is nobody (There’s nobody)
As ugly as you (as ugly as you) girl

You are so ugly (so ugly),
Miss Ugly (miss. Ugly)
There is nobody (There’s nobody)
As ugly as you (as ugly as you) girl

Been all about the world ain’t neva seen a girl that can make me puke like you I see

Never thought the day would come where I would have to get up and run and you would be out chasing me
Cuz aint nowhere in the globe I can be, aint noone in the globe id rather flee then the girl of my nightmares that made me
Be so nauseous cause you so ugly

 

You are so ugly (so ugly),
Miss Ugly (miss. Ugly)
There is nobody (There’s nobody)
As ugly as you (as ugly as you) girl

You are so ugly (so ugly),
Miss Ugly (miss. Ugly)
There is nobody (There’s nobody)
As ugly as you (as ugly as you) girrll

Now I’m never going to be alone, I did hope you’d be gone for so long long, I jus want u to go away, so stop stalkin girl and
Go on home (go on home), ugly girl just get out, get lost or I’ll f’n shout, I never thought Id ever
Hurt somebody, but you’re drivin me crazy cuz…

You are so ugly (so ugly),
Miss Ugly (miss. Ugly)
There is nobody (There’s nobody)
As ugly as you (as ugly as you) girl

You are so ugly (so ugly),
Miss Ugly (miss. Ugly)
There is nobody (There’s nobody)
As ugly as you (as ugly as you) girl

Ugly, so ugly
So ugly, (so ugly),
Miss. Ugly, so ugly
So ugly, so ugly, (so ugly), Miss. Ugly

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With love to my big brother on his 30th birthday.

At first I was afraid

I was petrified

I grew up with a big brother Moish

who had height and muscle on his side

But then I spent so many nights

Working out and getting strong

And then we grew up and

learned how to get along

And now you’re back

From LA

Came back to crash on my couch

even if it’s only for 2 days

I should have changed my f-ing lock

But I decided to leave you leave a key

But I have only one request

don’t make noise when you come in at 3

Oh now go

Walk out the door

Party for your birfday

Like you’re only 24

Weren’t you the one who said you’ll always be 18

Now you wonder,

Weren’t all those years really keen?

Oh no, not you

You’re not 22

As long as you keep aging you don’t know what to do

You’ve got all your life to live

And you’ve got all your love to give

But you’re not 22

You’re not 22

Yeah, Yeah

It took all the strength I had

Just to take the beat

I still have the scars to prove it

On my seat

Yoni and I spent so many minutes

Just thinking of these lyrics

he wanted to mention commandos

But I stood up and vetoed it

Now we remember

The days of old

Where the dead man run would knock us out good and cold

And so you thought i’d get up here

to make some fun of you and cause a fuss

But we’re gonna save our makin fun

for someone that can make fun of us

Oh now go

Walk out the door

Party for your birfday

Like you’re only 24

Weren’t you the one who said you’ll always be 18

Now you wonder,

Weren’t all those years really keen?

Oh no, not you

You’re not 22

As long as you keep aging you don’t know what to do

You’ve got all your life to live

And you’ve got all your love to give

But you’re not 22

You’re not 22

Yeah, Yeah

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A parody of the Friends Theme Song “I’ll Be There For You”.

So no one ever told you how much time you’d waste each day

So many shows to watch your time just slips away

It’s like you’re always stuck down on your rear

Well, you haven’t gone outside in a week, a month or even a year

But TV will be there for you, when work needs to get done

TV will be there for you when you could be out having fun

TV will be there for you because you’re stuck to it too

You get no sleep at night because the shows never stop

Late night talk shows and old sitcoms that really rock

And infomercials for a knife to cut through your shoes

At 3 AM no matter what is on, you seem to be amused

But TV will be there for you, when work needs to get done

TV will be there for you when you could be out having fun

TV will be there for you because you’re stuck to it too

No one could ever show me, the programs TV shows me

Seems like my whole life is sitting in front of the TV

Something to face the day with, make it through all the rest with,

Something I’ll always laugh with, even at my worst, I’m best with TV

It’s like you’re always stuck down on your rear

Well, you haven’t gone outside in a week, a month or even a year

But TV will be there for you, when work needs to get done

TV will be there for you when you could be out having fun

TV will be there for you because you’re stuck to it too

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We Want To Make Some Money (Parody of We Didn’t Start The Fire by Billy Joel. If you’re not completely familiar, take a look at the music video, it’s always been a favorite of mine.)

We work hard every day, make our money, get our pay

9 to 5 to pay our bills but at the end we’re broke

 

Something’s wrong with the world today, why is it that poor we stay

While others make the money and get richer all the time

 

There must be some secret trick, to get money make it stick

Keep it in your bank account and watch it start to grow

 

I’m going to learn it all, learn the secrets, play ball

Make some money, keep the money, retire with the dough

 

 

We want to make some money

We want to get rich fast and then we’ll make it last

We want to make some money

Yes we want it quick but not a scam or trick

 

 

Books all say the same thing, financial freedom is what they sing

Save now, invest now, pay yourself first

 

Stock market, real estate, build a business, never wait

Passive income is what you need, gotta build the thirst

 

Forget employee, specialist, building a business is what’s best

Have people work for you, then the big bucks you accrue

 

Find a mission, build a team, work hard, play the game

Make money big time, more than you can handle

 

 

Chorus

 

 

Invest in some real estate, buy and flip, celebrate

Roll it over, 1031 like monopoly is lots of fun

 

4 green houses for a red hotel, rent them out then make the sale

Foreclosures and REO get them all to cash flow

 

Read the paper, read a book, read some blogs, take a look

Make a plan, follow well, learn how to buy and sell

 

Take it in your own hands invest your money take a stand

Trade stocks, mutual funds, personal loans and government bonds

 

 

Chorus

 

 

If you want to stay safe, max out your 401k

Add to it pre tax and hope the market doesn’t crash

 

Compound interest is your friend, to the bank you will lend

Add to it every week, in 40 years you’ll be free

 

Work hard all your life, saving money is your strife

Retire young, get paid, what else do I have to say

 

 

Chorus

 

 

Avoid scams on the net to your time, they’re a threat

Rich Jerk, MLM, pyramid schemes

 

Lottery, game shows, gambling money really blows

Falsified criteria, rich guy in Nigeria

 

Make money from your home, click on ads while you roam

Sell stuff on e-bay, bid it up then start to pray

 

Write a blog, write some more, get your adsense that’s for sure

All this work is such a chore, I can’t take this anymore

 

We want to make some money

We want to get rich fast and then make it last

We want to make some money

But time slips away each and every day and day and day…

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In spirit of Valentines day, here is an old favorite, fixed up for the occasion.

Oh, You’d better watch out,

You better think quick

You better buy some presents

I’ll teach you a trick

Your girlfriend is expecting a night on the town

 

She’s making a list,

And checking it twice

Whether you follow is whether she’s naughter or nice

Your girlfriend is expecting Valentine’s Day on the town

 

She knows where you live

She knows where you sleep

She knows what you do with your money

So spend it on her you stupid creep

 

Oh, You’d better watch out,

You better think quick

You better buy some presents

I’ll teach you a trick

Your girlfriend is expecting a night on the town

 

The lovers in girl and boy land

Exchange presents back and forth

And if you really value your life

You better give in or head for the door

 

With two dozen roses

And lots of stuffed bears

A big box of chocolates

All in the shape of a heart to show you care

Your girlfriend is expecting a night on the town

 

Oh, You’d better watch out,

You better think quick

You better buy some presents

I’ll teach you a trick

Your girlfriend is expecting a night on the town

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Note: I was just thinking of the song American Pie and the following just came out in the last few minutes. Must be my constant thinking about one day being financially free and kicking back.

A long long time ago I can still remember how I didn’t have a care in the world

And now I have responsibility and a full time job

And people depend on me all day long

And I don’t get a minute to myself

And I know if I had my chance

I would quit my job and break into song and dance

And be happy until my bank reaches red

But I procrastinate every day

Each hour seems to slip away

I get almost nothing done

While I’m dreaming of the days that were more fun

I can remember the look on your face

As I walked down the graduation aisle at a steady pace

I remember telling you to get off my case

The day, I entered the race

So bye-bye to the month of July

No vacation at my occupation

Because I’m one of the new guys

I work 100 hours per week and then start to cry

Singin’ this is how my social life died

This is how my social life died

Did you file that report?

And why doesn’t my e-mail sort?

If I tell it to?

Are you looking for a raise

Or maybe a better title that really pays

Or maybe a corner office and a cushy chair?

Well I know that you’re working hard

I can see it on your time card

You’re punching out at 3

“Oh I love it that you work for me!”

I’ll work your rear off to the bone

Steal your life and leave you alone

And you’ll know you’re out of luck

The day, your social life died

I started singin’

bye-bye to the month of July

No vacation at my occupation

Because I’m one of the new guys

I work 100 hours per week and then start to cry

Singin’ this is how my social life died

This is how my social life died

Now for 10 years I’ve been doing my job

And the best years of my life it did rob

But that’s not how it’s supposed to be

When my parents worked they were home at 5

And they were always happy to be alive

And I wonder what the hell happened to me.

Oh, when technology grew we thought we’d work less

But with all the competition we try to be best

Now the technology runs our life

That might be our greatest strife

I try my best to make the biggest mark

While the boss reads a book in the park

He leaves me here to work in the dark

The day my social life died

We were singing,

bye-bye to the month of July

No vacation at my occupation

Because I’m one of the new guys

I work 100 hours per week and then start to cry

Singin’ this is how my social life died

This is how my social life died

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